As I sent out an email just now, I looked at the bottom of my typing space, where the signature for my emails is. What a reminder to me, as I go through this tough time.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of YHVH in Yeshua HaMashiach for you."
This verse is comforting to me, because it keeps my eyes and my focus on my Savior, and on my King, rather than my sorrow, my grief, and my pain. I have been struggling with a little Peter-itis... Trying to walk in faith on water, but without my faith in the One who can keep me afloat, I could begin to sink into the murky depths.
We may never find out the circumstances of Beth Rose's death, but it won't change my love for her, nor my love for my Elohim/God, YHVH. It may sadden me more than I have experienced this week, since learning of her death, but He is still greater than my pain.
This last week has been a DOOZY. One week ago today, my bestest friend Beth died. I was told by her sister 6 days ago. As of today, we don't have the answers we are looking for/hoping for. There are lots of surmisings, lots of what I am calling conspira-thizing (conspiracy-theorizing), but no definite answers. And even if we get answers, will it make her death easier to bear? Probably not. I have spent the majority of this last week in a bubble/fog/protective cocoon, if you will. My Elohim YHVH has been protecting my heart against this great loss.
When Beth's sister told me on the phone, I began to cry, and I told her, "I'm so sorry! I should be comforting you, but right now I just can't!" And I cried. I reacted honestly, instead of my usual of trying to keep it together, and be calm, and trying to be strong for everyone else. It was a sucker punch to my heart. It still is.
Beth and I met in 7th grade, which is over 25 years ago. We became fast and close friends, and in no time became sisters. Not 'like' sisters, but sisters; we shared everything. We had an inexplicable bond. As teenagers, we were inseparable, and people would call us "The Beths", or the dynamic duo. If you saw one of us, you saw the other. We would hang out at school, and then get home and on the phone until one of us had to hang up. We would coordinate our outfit colors for the next day, and at times 'pretend' it was accidental, lol, but often it would happen without coordination. We finished each others sentences, shared dreams, silly memories, sadness, etc. Sounds like a teenaged friendship, right? But there was so much more! She had an electrifying personality, and even if we were up to no good, she brought out the best in me, and she said I did the same for her. She called me beautiful, and told me I looked like a porcelain doll. I would tell her she was nuts, and that *she* was the beautiful one. I used to wonder why in the world, out of all the people, why she chose *me* to be her best friend. And she would say the same thing to me. We both knew how blessed we were in our friendship.
As we grew up and had our own families to care for, we weren't in constant contact as we would have liked, even falling out of touch from time to time (seems like I was always moving), but when we would catch up, it was like no time had passed. Her spirit was always uplifting, and she got joy out of loving others, and lifting them up. She seemed to face life's trials head on, and tried to find a positive spin, and would laugh at times/things that I would have had a fit over. Our emails and texts and phone calls always began with, "Hey Beth, it's Beth!" She called me her dearest friend, her bestest friend. Even as adults, we had so many different bonds, and would find out that we had been going through similar health issues, and things like that.
She loved her husband, and her kids. She loved God and found joy in doing His work. She loved her family and friends fiercely, and was always protective of all of us. She put her heart and soul into caring for her family. This is the part where it's hard to keep typing. Everyone who knew her knew that she lived for God and her family. And not knowing what happened is really hard to deal with, again recognizing that even if we get answers, it might not make it any easier to deal with. One thing's for certain, I will always love Beth Rose (my family always called her Beth Rose so we'd know which one of us they were addressing), and her family, no matter what.
So this last week I've been in this bubble/fog, I don't know what to call it, except the protection of YHVH/God. I began to examine His Word, and even in my tears, declare His greatness. Some good friends, my husband, and the Word of YHVH advised me to stop looking at what happened, but look to the Rock of my salvation. To make certain that my feet are established on His truth, rooted in Him, so that even in this time of great sadness, pain, and loss, I won't lose sight of Him. A close sister gave me this advice, and I pass it on to you, too.
"I know you're probably getting all kinds of advice. But all you can do is be thankful for the time you had with her and feel the sadness and grieve. You can't explain it, you won't figure anything out, that's Yah's job. Just mourn your loss. Lift those children and her husband up in prayer. That is so devastating. Nobody truly knows what was going on in her mind and never will. Trying to figure it out is a distraction from going through the grieving process and having healing for yourself."
My husband spoke some beautiful words of encouragement to me, reminding me of our foundation (the Rock, not the sand), and of pillars of support. Of how, in a building, there are support beams that are designed to help carry the weight. I cannot share exactly what he spoke into me, but please know that it was beautiful, and a timely encouragement, as well as a confirmation for what Abba had been speaking to me. I share that with you, also.
My neighbor/friend suggested that maybe I am supposed to help by blanketing all who are involved in this loss in prayer, which is a confirmation to me.
(I might add more later, but no guarantees)
