Grief.

Grief can be described as suffering (physical or mental), adversity: -- grief, pain, sorrow. I found this one in the Bible, Job 2:13. Also found is "deep sorrow, often caused by one's death". You know what I discovered? That grief is best not described, because it can take on so many faces. It can cause you to be so raw with emotion that you feel you are being torn apart. It can cause you to put on a mask so that no one will ask you how you are doing; because they love you, they want to assume that you are healing, or healed, and you are doing "okay". My sister once cried out to me that she wanted her sister back - she was hurting because I was hurting. Grief almost killed me. It almost took me away from my eldest son, who was 18 months old the very day that we held the funeral for his little brother. Grief tried to make me fear for the life of my youngest son... fear that he would one day not wake up, just like his bigger brother. You know what's bigger than grief? YHVH/God! Even when I was far away from God, He was still able to reach through my torrential downpour, the tsunami mixed with earthquake and blizzard melting into a volcanic eruption that my life was becoming, and He was able to pull me out. It took years!

Every year it's different. This year, I'm looking at December 30th and cannot believe that it will be 14 years since our son passed away. Last year I couldn't believe it had been 13. Every year I try to not lose it, I try to keep the tears at bay, I try to keep the hurt away. Every year I fail at doing just that. I have always been so afraid of feeling the hurt, of re-living the heart-wrenching agony that comes with losing a child, that I put up my wall of defense and then when the pain hits I cry out in anguish. Every year I look for something to distract myself from the reality of how that day forever changed my life. And it's better than watching the clock, counting down the hours to the very minute that I walked in to find my son in bed, no breath left in his body. Every year I have wished that December 30th would go back to being just another day. But it never will be. It is the day that my son went to sleep and didn't wake up.

This year, I will not be afraid to cry over the loss of my son, but I will also not be reluctant to rejoice, for in the kingdom, there will be no more tears. The pain I feel is not depression - I've been there. I took the antidepressants, the sleep aids, the anxiety medication (all prescribed by an M.D.) And guess what? When a loved one dies, you're *supposed* to feel pain! That doesn't mean we want to, believe me, I wanted to be numb. I self-medicated (see disclaimer below, please), and I spent much time in denial. No, I will no longer put up a fortress to keep the pain out. YHVH/God is my fortress. He is my strong tower, and I will run to Him... He will guard my heart when I am too weak to do so.

In the past 2 months, I've heard (from friends) of no less than 3 young babies who have died in their sleep, just like my son. What can I say to help their families?? What can I do?? I cry out to YHVH/God to comfort them! I ask Him to bring them comfort, peace, and embrace their hearts, and most specifically, I pray that their relationship with our Creator won't be cast down. I pray that they will be strengthened by Him, even in the midst of their grief. I pray that His love will be their comfort. Because I still walk this path, I can pray for intimate and specific things for these families.

When my son died, I believed in God, and his Son Jesus. But I didn't trust him, or know him, well enough to run to him, and instead I ran from him. I found comfort in marijuana, alcohol, and wherever I could to take my mind off the pain. I wouldn't advise to follow in my footsteps. Instead, look to our Messiah, and follow *His* footsteps. When he had problems, when he faced death, he turned to His Father, *OUR* Father.

I may never know why my son had to die - I still don't understand, but I trust in the sovereignty of God, YHVH my Elohim. I know why His Son had to die, and I know that He understands the death of a child. I know that it is not taken lightly, and I know that it is not something one chooses to go through, unless maybe you're a glutton for punishment (highly unlikely). If you need someone to talk to, or to pray with you, or for you, please reach out to me, or someone else who understands. You can reach me through this link or here. I can't promise to know what to say, or what to do, but I will listen, and I will give it to YHVH/God, and I assure you that He does know what to say and do.  

Shalom (peace to you), and may you be blessed in YHVH/God, and may you find rest and refuge in Him.

This article on finding hope in the darkness is well-written and may help better than what I find I am yet unable to put to words.  

Let Yeshua, the Light, overcome the darkness of grief, for He is greater than our pain.

**Disclaimer: The mention made of marijuana, alcohol, etc. is quite far in the past. I put no one but myself in danger when I was participating in those activities.**